So much is bothering me right now I do not even know where to begin. One finances are very tight. I am going through a career change and have no job currently. My son is driving a cab instead of going to college-he is 25. Very bright, but not much self-esteem sometimes. My other son feels left out. We are going to be evicted because the dates of my income have changed and every month the landlord tries to catch me up by giving me a three-day notice instead of waiting a couple of days for the rent (which she knows I always pay). Reason: Doesn’t like so many people in the apartment (Great-grandma is in the living room) and she just does not like this. Also, she can get more for the place right now-maybe one hundred dollars-so she is going to destroy my credit. I have not received child support for three years (regularly) and when I do it is nothing frankly. His telephone line is on my phone account and that is about all I get help with. Grandma needs to be changed constantly, otherwise she is not really a problem, usually. The money is just not there to pay for ballet. At all. If I have to move, I will have to shell out at least $5,000 and put off finishing school because I am just too stressed out. All I have to do is take this test and I am done. No matter what, I am going to do that. My daughter has to be driven to ballet also, not that far, but $15-20 per day in gas is not uncommon and if my car goes as well, I might as well, well, you know. It’s a lot.

Why do I care? What is the big deal? Why does it seem everything converges to defeat us just when she starts to get ahead? I simply cannot afford the privates. I need to get my head examined. There are no scholarships and if there were, many people would be ahead of us for various reasons. She is learning two variations. Her teacher is very good, but says she has two problems. Her back needs to be stronger and she has to continue to work on her turnout. It is a constant battle. But, she is getting better. When she is very warm, it is much better. XXX said, when she is not warmed up, it is almost completely turned in! Perhaps, but I do not really think so-more about that later. She works so hard! He says, maybe too hard. She also has had achilles tendon pain again. It is one teacher’s class primarily. Jumps and sousous-only on point. Sometimes I think that teacher just tries to hurt her. My daughter said her arabesque is getting better, but it is only 90 degrees. They had her keeping her leg low to straighten her hips-now they want it up again-demand, demand, demand. Her teacher asked why I bring her to so many classes-after this paragraph, that ought to be obvious! If she is taking too many classes, she runs a risk of repeating too many barre and other exercises and getting injuries-just enough, not too much. The teacher said she needs to “work smarter”-not so much. Work on what she needs to-above-take fewer classes-heal-don’t spend so much money!!!!Impossible. If you take the open classes it still ends up costing more than the flat rate. Also taking fewer classes means she loses some of what she has gained. She said I take the fun out of it because I scolded her after class one day. She said I do not really take the fun out of ballet. There is that between us, though-I just cannot let her have her own feelings sometimes-or to look at it another way, her feelings would not necessarily “come out” if I didn’t nudge her a bit. She dropped her arms when she was having a bad day, because the competitive girl was there-I told her I never wanted to see her let someone interfere with her own class again. If this is going to continue to effect her, then I am not going to pay for it at all. Grrr! I know my daughter (?!@#$%^&*)

She is really looking good otherwise and her teacher said her technique is pretty good. That is a big compliment-she was very pleased. I can see a big difference. She articulates her feet much more and her point is BETTER. She has a beautiful ballet body. I see a lot wrong, but for a change, I see a lot that has changed from what they said was wrong before-so do I see a lot right? I think so. The teacher said she has her fouette. This is a big deal and in that class, she is comfortable and continues to do well. Really, can we afford to miss other technique? With this teacher, I think so. It was suggested that since she is constantly injured in the other class and not in that one, that we only take those. Perhaps, “the information is contradictory.” I agree. The other class is very hard. It is good, but it is hard. Maybe she has been working too hard and needs to take fewer classes-these only-that is still several per week and her privates-we have to continue those. Also, because of this, this teacher wants to follow the actual Vagonova curriculum with her-level 5. We are to buy the book(s).

There is the money problem. I am almost caught up. Next month will be easier except for moving, and if we move closer, that is less gas. The director is concerned that she does not really care about her education. She does. It is just that she cares about ballet more. She is learning Russian (trying to) herself. This ought to be good. Also, they do not see how I can continue to pay for classes. If they are suggesting we go, then we would both be lost. For now. I can see money is a big issue there. There are late fees. lots of little tots. I am glad I do not have a business like that-I would not for long. She is a good business woman and she has been patient. I do not think her teacher would oust us, but she would. We will not be able to do the summer intensive. That would be very good for my daughter but seriously, $500 per week and from home-cannot do it. They are charging more for classes too next year and even more if you go between the two studios. We have to. That is $60 more a month (and fewer classes). I will have to get two jobs. I suggested my 16-year old get a summer job. It would be a help. that’s all. I have filed a case with the support unit-we will see. It can take 3-6 months for it to come up.

I continue to apply for jobs. I applied for the one publicity job locally, with a theater company-they stole my press release snippets! I didn’t have any current work so I did a press release for one of their up-coming shows. Then I get a placard in the mail announcing the play and they have stolen my snippets. Business! I didn’t get the job. Oh well, God never closes one door…..without leaving a window open so you can jump out!!! Just kidding. She would have done well to go to Joffrey in NY for the year I suppose, but even with the scholarship-where would she have lived? It would have cost just as much or more as it did here. More. I could move back to the city….many jobs. But, we like the teacher here. I would like my son to finish high school in this district but there is no guarantee we will be able to find a place in this area for what we can afford. I applied for jobs as a manager-we’ll see.

The performance was okay, actually, no one was that good and frankly I did not like the dance-it was very fast, and it kept changing before the show, so the teacher scolded everyone, particularly my daughter for dropping the ball. She did much better the last performance. Her teacher said she needs to perform more. How can we do less and do more????Well, a fresh start is always a good thing, so many, lots of good things! Has to be. She is going to the beach on Sunday. Her annual “burn the papers” bon fire. California has some strange traditions….